Harry Potter's Bedroom Secrets
by SpiderLily
Summary: Sequel Posted: HPDM SLASH! This is an account of what 'really' goes on in Harry Potter's bed at night, as told by... Ron, Neville, Seamus and Dean, Hermione, Luna, Mr. Filch, Colin, and Professor Snape.
1. As Told by Ronald Weasley

_Author's Notes: Just blame it on my perverted teenage mind. This is for all you HPDM lovers out there! And for those of you who don't know, that means SLASH! I want no flames, 'cause I warned you! As you'll probably be able to tell by the end, I don't like Ron. Hehe.**

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**Harry Potter's Bedroom Secrets  
(As Told by Ronald Weasley)**

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Ronald Weasley wasn't known as the most intelligent student at Hogwarts (that place was taken by his friend Hermione Granger). In fact, he was known to be rather thick-headed. But even he knew to put up a good, strong Silencing Charm when enjoying a good wank.

Unfortunately, his other friend, Harry Potter, didn't seem to know how to do _that_.

Ron had just finished his nightly wank, and he was still riding on the euphoria of imagining Hermione in a lacy black brassiere to take off the Silencing Charm around his bed immediately. When he did calm down and take it off, he was rather shocked at what he was hearing.

Listening intently (for the sounds coming from his best friend's bed were rather quiet, but still somehow easy to hear if you listened close enough), he could hear a male shuddering and slick smacking sounds from around the closed Gryffindor-red curtains.

Oh, _God_. There was no way Harry could be making those sounds by himself. He was . . . he was . . . oh, _God_.

His friend had just released a pleasurable, throaty moan.

It was odd, but he felt himself getting hard again. Ron had never heard (or seen, for that matter) anybody doing . . . that . . . before.

"Oh . . ."

Ron's eyes got wide when he heard yet another moan. He felt for sure that the other three occupants of the room would wake soon and discover Harry and this mysterious lover.

"Oh, Ri . . ." a deep male voice groaned, gasping.

Ah . . . It seemed that Harry's _bed-buddy_ had a pet-name for him. Wasn't that just sweet? Wait . . . did he know that voice from anywhere? It seemed awfully familiar. . . .

His thoughts were cut off when Harry released yet another moan, making Ron's ears go red.

It couldn't be happening! Harry had always been so innocent, except for when—

"Oh, _Draco_ . . ."

Ron's ears bled.


	2. As Told by Neville Longbottom

**Harry Potter's Bedroom Secrets  
****(As Told by Neville Longbottom)**

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Neville Longbottom had always been a heavy sleeper. His Gran used to say when he was little that he could have slept through a tornado without breaking his snore pattern, which was awfully embarrassing when she told the story at society functions.

But tonight had to have been the one night in all his seventeen years alive that he simply couldn't go to sleep in the first place.

It also seemed that tonight would be the one night one of his four other dorm mates would forget to _Silencio_ their curtains when they went for a wank.

Tonight, it seemed, Neville would be forced to listen to Harry as he got himself off, which was something new in the first place, as either: A.) He never forgot to Silence his curtains, or B.) Harry never wanked himself off.

Neville had to go with option A, as the sounds coming from Harry's bed where everything _but_ innocent and naïve.

Harry had just released a throaty moan, and there was the distinct sound of nails scraping across skin.

Oh . . . um, okay. So Harry obviously wasn't a virgin, unless he was scraping his nails against himself, and Neville didn't want to think the words _Harry_ and _masochist_ in the same sentence.

"_Oh_ . . ."

Neville's eyes grew wide and he gripped the crimson sheets in tight fists, wishing desperately that he did not have to hear this, but some other occupant of the dorm did

It wasn't fair to Neville.

"Oh, Ri . . ."

Ah, so those smacking noises Neville had the misfortune to hear were actually caused by _someone else who was in Harry's bed_. A distinctly male someone.

But then again, Neville had noticed lately that Harry's eyes always seemed to be following someone—whether it was in potions, transfiguration, charms, history, meals, or at Quidditch games, Harry was always busy looking at—

"Oh, _Draco_ . . ."

Well, _that_ wasn't a surprise, but how had they even managed to get together?


	3. As Told by Seamus and Dean

**Harry Potter's Bedroom Secrets  
****(As Told by Seamus and Dean)**

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Poke.

_Silence._

Poke.

"Seamus, would you _please_ stop doing that?" Dean asked, completely aggravated.

Okay, so maybe there wasn't complete silence.

There were the sounds of . . . other . . . things going on in the dorms.

And it was not the usual wanking you would expect to hear in a healthy seventeen-year-old boy's dorm room.

No, this was . . . something else.

Their friend in the next bed had just released a throaty moan, and Seamus shushed Dean, so they were able to hear the sound of nails scraping across the skin of someone's back.

"Hey, Dean?"

"What?"

"Do you think Harry's the masochist or the sadist? Top or bottom?"

"I'd have to say he's the bottom, but he's also a sadist."

"_Oh . . ."_

Seamus and Dean snickered quietly, amused at the sounds they were hearing. Their friend was obviously not alone.

"Oh, Ri . . ." Well, that was _not_ Harry.

Distinct wet smacking noises were heard from Harry's bed, which set Seamus and Dean into another fit of giggles—er, chuckles.

"Oh, _Draco_ . . ."

"Aha!" Seamus exclaimed quietly.

"Remind me never to underestimate you again when it comes to the game of Matchmaker," said Dean, sighing.

"Of course, honey. And next time we can give Harry some more toys, too, eh? We gave him the lube, but there are other things I think they would enjoy."

"What about those handcuffs? Or do you think he'd like the velvet ones better?"

"Handcuffs, and don't even try to get me off-subject. Pay up, I won the bet."

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_Author's Notes: Well, I hope you enjoyed it, for this is the end of this story. However, I did not escape without another damned plot bunny, 'cause this has inspired a real fic from me. It may not have much of a plot... except for getting Harry and Draco together. I don't know when I'll post it, but you might want to add me to your author alerts. Tentative title: An Experiment in Animal Magnetism._


	4. As Told by Hermione Granger

_Author's Notes: Yes, I said it was finished... I lied. I decided that I wanted to do a chapter in Hermione's point of view, and it's quite different than what you've come to expect in the earlier chapters. I plan to do many other characters' points of view, as well, and am coming to believe that this has turned into a multi-chaptered character study instead of the simple one-shot it started off as._

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**As Told by Hermione Granger**

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Boys are so stupidly obvious sometimes. 

Wait, scratch that last. Boys are stupidly obvious _all the time_.

Harry is just five million times worse than the average boy. Other than stupidly obvious, he's also oblivious (which is _not_ the same thing as obvious), naïve, and ignorant.

And yes, you may say that Ron is some of these things, but when Seamus flirts so incessantly with Harry and poor, innocent Harry's still sitting there, quite confused, with no idea what to do, that's where their differences are blaringly obvious.

For one thing, Ron is straight. For another: By that point he would have run away screaming his head off.

You may ask how I know that Ron is straight. . . . That is a private matter.

Back to Harry, however. It was back in fifth year when I noticed that Draco Malfoy was, indeed, gay. I had wondered why it took me so long to notice in the first place, due to the following facts:

1. Malfoy liked to wear his jeans questionably tight.

2. He shrunk his jumper so that it looked tailored.

3. And—is that _pink lip gloss and mascara_ he's wearing?!

Yes, that's actually written in the notes I took on a parchment I had labeled: 'The Fundamental Reasons Why Draco Malfoy Must be Gay.'

And what does this have to do with Harry? Well . . . :

1. Malfoy did not catch the Snitch for the umpteenth time. Why?

2. Next Quidditch match: He was staring at Harry's arse.

3. Next day at breakfast: He's staring at Harry's mouth.

4. Next day during Potions: He's staring at . . . oh, my God.

5. When Harry was graciously helping Flitwick put up Christmas ornaments: He's staring at . . . I don't want to know.

And yes, that is also in my notes.

If you take the time to think about it, it's actually quite sad, because whenever Harry would catch him staring, he'd turn and glare at the poor boy.

For what was seemingly the first time in my life, I was at a loss as to what to do. My best friend, who had never known parental love, the love of friendship (before Hogwarts), or the love of a partner had captured the heart of someone he'd be the least likely to warm up to.

That was, until Seamus and Dean confronted me.

They had a plan, or what vaguely resembled one, to get Harry and Draco together. I mentioned to them my findings about Draco, and they mentioned their surprisingly solid evidence supporting the fact that Harry liked Draco. I just had to put in a few finishing touches.

But, of course, the plan couldn't go flawlessly, and had to go through some kinks to get the two togeth—

My thoughts were interrupted when I noticed the portrait hole swing open seemingly of its own accord.

'_I do hope they remember to put up the Silencing Charm tonight,'_ I thought. I shuddered as I felt a strange sensation go through my spine, and wondered if I might have jinxed it. _'Oh, whatever. Like I believe in that rubbish.'_

I went back to my neglected Daily Prophet and sent a smug grin at the ugly face of the new Minister, Rugus Scrimgeour.

'_I am so going to be raking in the Galleons from that pool when Harry and Draco actually come out.'_


	5. As Told by Luna Lovegood

**Harry Potter's Bedroom Secrets  
****As Told by Luna Lovegood**

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I always knew Draco Malfoy was gay. I had thought that he was being stupidly obvious—what boy do you know that can actually iterate the entire history of the Chanel perfume company?—but my suspicions turned out to be correct. After all, how can you disregard what a mugwhumble tells you?

Harry, however, came as a surprise. I can honestly say that I was not expecting that, but well, you know what they say: Expect the unexpected. I admit that I _should_ have expected it when Cho came to the common room crying that she had heard a rumor throughout Gryffindor that the only comment Harry had had on her kiss was that it was 'wet.'

But I didn't expect it.

What came as the biggest shocker, I suppose, was seeing the two of them eating together in the Great Hall one day. They were obviously comfortable with the other, and the gossip circulating around the school said that the two had been dating for quite some time.

When they went to Hogsmeade dressed in green and grey sweaters while holding hands, the rumors were confirmed.

They've been together for nearly a year now, and I don't think anybody expected them to last this long. The Slytherin Sex God and Gryffindor's Golden Virgin? Never!

But they did.

The talk around the school is that Draco is planning to ask Harry to marry him when they graduate, and, for Harry's sake, I hope he does.

And for their sakes, I hope they watch out for the nargles at the wedding. Those pesky blighters tend to gather the most at those kinds of events.


	6. As Told by Mr Filch

**Harry Potter's Bedroom Secrets  
****As Told by Mr. Filch**

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They never should have allowed these damn kids to run amok in a century-old castle! All the little midgets with their jolly faces and happy smiles, running around and getting my floors dirty. . . .

And then there was James Potter and his little sidekick, Sirius Black. I thought I'd seen everything with those troublesome two, pranking others and getting frog spawn on the walls. . . .

But _no_ . . . Potter had to go and spawn a child!

(And his offspring was even worse.)

Harry Potter came gallivanting to Hogwarts with his handy-dandy Invisibility Cloak (yes, I know about that), causing havoc and running about the corridors at night with his own two sidekicks!

Potter's now a seventh-year, and I've about had enough of it! His two _friends_ have gotten together, and Potter's gotten himself a little boyfriend. I find Weasley and Granger in broom-closets enough without having to worry about Potter and his fuck-toy, too!

I'm getting too old for this. . . .


	7. As Told by Colin Creevey

**Harry Potter's Bedroom Secrets  
****(As Told by Colin Creevey)**

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Colin Creevey was a Muggleborn (as should be quite obvious).

But what should also be obvious was that he had two very special Muggle disorders.

One was called Attention Deficit Disorder. The other was called Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.

Also known as ADD and ADHD.

What should also be known is that he did not take medication for these disorders.

These two disorders made others somewhat . . . wary . . . of him, especially when he started bouncing up and down in his seat whenever he laid eyes on the very extremely famous and _so cute_ Harry Potter.

Yes, Colin Creevey was gay.

(Which, for some odd reason, may explain why he stalked this very extremely famous and _so cute_ Harry Potter and had a stash of secret private stalker photos.)

So maybe Colin had a teensy, tiny, itty bitty crush on the very extremely famous and _so cute_ Harry Potter.

At the present moment, Colin was sitting in a booth in the Three Broomsticks, alone, nursing a half-full bottle of Butterbeer. His camera was hanging from a strap around his neck and extra rolls of film were contained in the bulging bag sitting pleasantly beside him on the booth.

The Three Broomsticks was packed with Hogwarts students to the brim, but Colin's eyes had been trained to notice his stalker's fixation so well that when the door opened to admit a head of messy black hair, he automatically turned to look, getting his camera ready to snap away.

He nearly dropped the camera when he noticed who his obsession was with—none other than the tall, lean, pale body of the drool-worthy, _so hot_ Draco Malfoy.

In the back of his mind, Colin detected a twinge of unhappiness, but then grinned evilly and started clicking away.


	8. As Told by Professor Snape

**_Authoress's Note: _**I was going to wait until tomorrow to post this, but I figured 'Hey, what the heck? Why not?' So I'm posting it anyway. It gets a bit hardcore (for me, at least) during the interlude, so I've marked it off just in case you don't want to read it. Its pretty obvious after the interlude anyway, so you can live without reading it. I promise. :D

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**Harry Potter's Bedroom Secrets  
(As Told by Professor Snape)**

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Severus nearly vomited when he walked upon a scene of impending pandemonium in the Great Hall that morning. The stone walls, the tables, the benches—everything seemed to covered in a repeating collage of permanently stuck photographs that revealed to him disturbing things that he never wished to know of.

_Ever_.

The gruesome images consisted of some of the worst things Severus had ever set eyes on. A happy scene of Draco smiling and drinking Butterbeer, looking at Potter with what could only be described as endearment; Potter himself appeared to have previously sloshed his own drink down his front, if the dark stain on his shirt and embarrassed look on his face were anything to go by.

There was one of them holding hands in Honeydukes.

And another one of the two sharing a chocolate-covered strawberry in Honeydukes.

Yet another scene consisted of the two making out in a dark alley where no one was supposed to see them, obviously.

How could Severus have not noticed it? Draco was his favorite student—practically his own son—and he had apparently been dating Potter secretly for quite some time. How had this notorious affair gone on without his noticing or _consent_? Not that he would have given his consent. Potter was an arrogant brat, strutting through the halls just as his father had before him.

Draco could do so much better.

Severus resolutely ignored the empty plate before him, instead choosing to sneer becomingly at the four tables of chattering students.

He could not _stand_ happiness.

Speaking of happiness and all things dark and dreary, Severus had lessons soon, and his first class—seventh year Gryffindors and Slytherins.

Severus smirked in anticipation. He could have so much fun with the two _lovebirds_.

The thought of the two as _lovebirds_ all but made him hurl.

**oOoOo**

Severus strode into the classroom, robes billowing behind him as the door to the Potions dungeon closed with a bang behind him. The students were watching him apprehensively, slumped in their little groups of two and three in the desks made only for two. Severus turned to face them with his hands clasped behind his back.

"Today we will be brewing a very comprehensive and challenging potion; to most of you, it would be unwise to attempt, but you shall attempt it anyway. You will working in groups of two that I have already chosen. As I call your names, go sit next to your partner," Severus said with a sneer, watching as many of the Gryffindor students gulped and stared glumly down at their stations.

"Granger … Parkinson, Zabini … Finnigan, Longbottom … Goyle, Weasley … Crabbe, Potter … Malfoy. . . ."

As he spoke, some students moved to sit next to their respective partners. Draco and Potter didn't seem to look _too_ unpleased at the groups.

Severus sneered, "Turn to page three hundred and sixty-eight. The potion we will be attempting today is called Amortentia. . . ."

-HARDCORE-

**(A Brief Interlude in the Boys' Point-of-View. . . .)**

Harry was bored, and, by the looks of it, his boyfriend seemed to be paying rapt attention to whatever Snape was rambling on about, as usual. Harry couldn't care less, but he had never been that interested in Potions.

That was Draco's job, because Draco actually _enjoyed_ Potions.

And Harry had Other Things on his mind, because Harry happened to be Horny. And a Horny Harry was not something to be ignored. . . .

Harry took a quick glance around the room, noticing that their station was positioned near the middle of the classroom, not completely hidden, but not obviously noticeable either.

He ran a finger slowly up Draco's thigh, starting from near the kneecap and going ever closer to his boyfriend's hidden treasure, eliciting a quiet gasp from said boyfriend. Harry settled his hand where Draco's thigh ended and the hipbone began, rubbing gently but not getting any closer to said hidden treasure.

Draco was glaring at him now, obviously holding in a loud moan and _oh, so hard_.

Oh, God, he hoped Harry got just a little bit closer to his goal.

Harry's hand was inching ever closer—Draco could feel it's warm heat causing goose bumps as he maintained the appearance of paying attention to Professor Snape.

Now he was rubbing gently over Draco's covered erection, and the tortured boy was struggling not to whimper. Harry had _never_ done this in such a public place. . . .

And in the next instant, when Snape's attention was diverted so that he could yell at Longbottom, Harry Potter mysteriously disappeared from his chair and his head reappeared between Draco's legs, frantically undoing the button and pulling the zipper down so he could enjoy his prize.

The rest need not be explained.

-HARDCORE ENDS-

**oOoOo**

"Amortentia is one of the most potent love potions currently existing. It gives off steam that can be easily recognized by its characteristic spirals. The potion, when made properly, gives off a different scent to each individual person based on what they find attractive. _If_ you make the potion properly, I want to two-foot-long essay on the properties of Amortentia and what scents appeal to you. If you do _not_ make it properly, I want a three-foot-long essay detailing how to make it properly since you obviously _can't_—"

Severus stopped mid-lecture—something in the room didn't feel right.

He scoured the students, but nothing there seemed to be amiss until—what was wrong with Draco? His godson was biting his lip and practically trembling.

And that was when he noticed it. Harry Potter, the Boy Wonder himself, seemed to be missing.

"Where is Potter?" he asked the class, who all turned to look at where Draco was sitting with a now somewhat stricken look on his face.

Granger started giggling, and it was at that point Severus realized that a pair of scruffy black shoes was protruding at a rather awkward angle from Draco's station. No one could be sitting down and have their feet in that position.

Unless they were on their knees. . . .

Severus actually threw up this time.


End file.
